Cancer, Zen and Walking In Beauty

“Beauty before me, beauty behind me, beauty beside me, beauty below me, beauty above me — I walk in beauty."

(Native American Prayer) Oh, Great Spirit Whose voice I hear in the winds and whose breath gives life to all the world. Hear me. I am a man before you, one of your many children - I am small and weak. I need your strength and wisdom. Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset. Make my hands respect the things you have made, my ears sharp to hear your voice. Make me wise, so that I may know the things you have taught my people - the lesson you have hidden in every leaf and rock. I seek strength not to be superior to my brothers, but to be able to fight my greatest enemy - myself. Make me ever ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes, so when life fades as a fading sunset my spirit may come to you without shame.

Translated by Chief Yellow Lark in 1887 - Native American Missionary and Medicine Man, Lakota Tribe

These are examples of what it means to a Native American to walk in Beauty. My own idea comes not from poetry or prayer, but from a mystery novel. I read in the novels of Tony Hillerman about the idea of walking in beauty, how instead of fighting against fate, the Native Americans in his books learned to manage their response to it. This means acceptance of what comes, even if it is death.

When I was working on my PhD, I was directed toward Buddhism. I sat with the buddhists in a house in a noisy neighborhood. I learned the chants and how to not move for extended periods of time. I had a moment of enlightenment. But possibly the most important thing I learned was that the doing was as important as the goal. I learned to have my sights set on a goal but not to neglect excellence and diligence in each step of the way. In a way, I was learning to walk in beauty. 

The internet is full of stories about cancer - inspirational, heartwarming and heartbreaking. But the truth is that cancer is simply a reality of life, just the same as is diabetes, or high blood pressure. There are inspirational stories about people with asthma and worse things like cerebral palsy or autism. The truth is that we each come with our own treasure map, complete with obstacles and rewards, as well as dangers and even pirates. Its up to us to pursue the treasure or throw the map away.

My map has incurable cancer  - Multiple Myeloma - written all over it now. Obstacles like transplants and chemotherapy loom. But I am looking at the adventure. I'm not looking at the "X" because it could mean anything - remission, cure or death. I'd like there to be treasure at the "X" but I am satisfied to be on a treasure hunt, an adventure that is by turns exciting and scary.

I will walk in beauty - I will not fear death or any of the discomforts of cancer, but accept my life as already beautiful and look for that in every step I take. Then I think that I will be making beauty - beauty before me, beauty behind me, beauty above me, beauty below me. Beauty beside me as my constant companion - not rose colored glasses, but the ability to see beauty in everything - even cancer.

I walk in beauty. 

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All the artwork you see here was done by me, either in or inspired by an art support group called Painting for Joy, organized by the Cancer Connection, an agency that provides support to cancer patients and their families.

The Cancer Connection provides physical activities such as exercise and swimming classes, traditional support groups and groups like the writing group and the art group that I attended. All the activities sponsored by the center are free of charge.